---------------------------------------------------------
TITLE: Random Replies

AUTHOR: Beaker

E-MAIL: cmb3453@unix.tamu.edu

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Under end of semester stress, sleep deprived, pumped
full of caffeine, and suffering the effects of a angstfic marathon, I
decided to cut loose with some humor.  Even though this is a crossover
between X-files and Monty Python's Holy Grail, the humor is very X-files
centric and it isn't necessary to have seen anything by Monty Python.
      I want to thank Starlite, Jen, nay, Sarah-Jane, and Denise for the
encouragement.  Also want to say hi to the folks at the Haven. I want to
thank Solstice and Beduini for their suggestions, Fox's Gal for grammar
help, and Maureen O'Brien for her offer to assist. I should probably thank
my parents as well for that giving life and enduring 20 hours of labor
stuff. Plus, if it weren't for their superior parenting techniques the
prison warden would have never have given me time off for good behavior.
Finally, I want to say hi to my sister Amber. Five dollah!

SUMMARY: This story is a basically a lump of clichés, unbelievable
coincidences, and a slew of plot holes. Overall, something I'll be proud to
deny ever writing.

CATEGORY: Humor, X-Files/Monty Python's Holy Grail 

RATING: PG

CLASSIFICATION: Crossover, Humor

SPOILER WARNING: Spoilers for Max, Redux, FTF and most of the jokes were
shamelessly stolen from Jose Chung's From Outer Space. Minor spoilers from
other eps up to Dreamland.

DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT:  Go ahead and archive at Gossamer.  What the hell,
archive anywhere, but e-mail me first so I can know where to come visit it.

FEEDBACK:  I don't mean to sound like I'm begging, but
please.......pretty please......tell me what you think.  (Yes that mean
flames too)  Nothing is worse than posting something you've put a lot of
heart into and hearing nothing.  You never know if the silence is a good
thing or bad.

DISCLAIMER: It's a well-established fact that I don't look like a
fortyish surfer nor do I talk with a nifty British accent, thus it's
safe to say that I own neither "The X-Files" or "Monty Python's The Holy
Grail." Plus, no matter how much I begged, my friends refused to give me
money to write these, so this shouldn't be considered a serious breech of
copyright law. Beaker is a real person and can't be borrowed for other
fanfics. Although, if the story involves either Mulder, Skinner, or Krycek
and NC-17 rating she can be persuaded to change her mind.

*******************************************************
Random Replies by Beaker
*******************************************************

*Beaker gives a belabored sigh. For some reason, her beta readers are
insisting that she give the story some sort of opening scene and she has
grudgingly agreed to write one. However, Beaker fully intends to put her
foot down when they insist on a plot.*

Beaker's half-assed attempt at a beginning:

[One day Mulder sees an image of his 8 year old sister Samantha appear in
the sky. She tells him to go on a quest to seek the truth which, ironically,
is something he's been doing for the past few decades anyway. But why get
bogged down in details?  As she speaks to Mulder, an image of the words "The
Truth is Out There" appears in the sky. A choir can be heard singing
glorious praises of the image. Mulder, thinking that a quest for a truth is
a nifty idea, calls up his trusty sidekick Scully]

*Beaker is mortified at the grievous mistakes in the previous scene.
Everyone knows that Mulder met the real Samantha in a DC diner, hence
she couldn't possibly be doling out heavenly advice. Unfortunately,
Beaker's mom insisted that she hire her cousin Earl to track story
continuity. Cousin Earl has just been canned for his error. Beaker
apologizes to the readers and promises that it will never happen again.*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene two:

[Mulder walks down a poorly lit street. His hand grips an imaginary
steering wheel. Behind him, Scully makes Ford Taurus noises. Suddenly, their
way is blocked by two MiBs. One has graying hair and a mustache. The other
is beefy and has some "Ventura for President '04" bumper stickers poking out
of his coat pocket. Scully's eyes widen when she sees the gray haired MiB.
She taps Mulder on the shoulder]

Scully: "Hey, isn't that..."

Gray-haired MiB: "Did you know that we are the Men Who Speak Only in
the Form of a Question?"

Mulder: "That's very interesting, but we are on a quest, so maybe we can
discuss this some other time."

GH MiB: "What is your quest?"

Mulder: "We seek..................." *Dramatic pause*
"............................" *It's a long one. Mulder can be  overly
dramatic at times* "...............The TRUTH!"

*Capitalization Mulder's, not Beaker's. She doesn't write these things, she
only channels them*

[As he makes his dramatic declaration, the words 'The Truth is Out
There' appears in the sky. From somewhere a choir sings the appropriate
ooh-aah music]

GH MiB: "How'd you do that?"

Mulder: "Do what? How can I do anything if you won't let us pass? Every
moment we spend waiting for you to move could be better spent searching
for...................." *Dramatic pause* "............." *You know the
drill* "................ The TRUTH!"

[Again image appears in sky. Choir is singing again, although they're
beginning to sound bored.]

GH MiB: "Don't you realize that you can't pass without giving us
something first?"

Mulder: "What do you want?"

GH MiB: "Can you get us ...... a CADILLAC?!" *Garish music sounds*

Scully: "A Cadillac?"

GH MiB: "Oh, and can you get a black one with tinted windows, armor
plating, and cup holders? Oh! And one that jumps up and down and plays 'La
Cucharacha' when you hit the horn?"

Mulder: "Oh for crying out loud!"

[He storms off and returns a short time later with the black Cadillac]

Mulder: "OK, I got it, only I couldn't find one that played 'La
Cucharacha,' but it does play 'The Macarena'. I figured that was close
enough. We've done what you've asked, so keep your promise and let us pass."

GH MiB: "We made no such promise."

Mulder: "Yes, you....hey! That wasn't in the form of a question!"

GH MiB: "That's because we are the Men Who Deny Everything."

Scully: "Weren't you the Men Who Talked in the Form of a Question
earlier?"

GH MiB: "No, we weren't."

*Beaker realizes that finishing the scene will require a lot of typing.
Beaker summarizes...no, there is too much.  Beaker sums up the ending.*

The MiBs deny many more things, Mulder says 'So you don't want to let
us pass?'  which, of course, the MiBs have to deny and they let Mulder and
Scully pass.

*Not the dramatic ending you were expecting, right? Yeah, well,
Siegfried and Roy were booked for the rest of the week and Beaker has
better things to do with her time. If you give her long enough, she
might actually remember what some of those better things are.*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene three:

[Off camera: Sounds of sawing, hammering, and the occasional yelp of
pain]

Scully: "Hold on Mulder, I'll get the iodine."

[More sounds of hammering, sawing, and a few more cries of pain. Then
we see Frohike, Byers, Langley, Scully, and a heavily bandaged Mulder
wheel a large wooden Reticulan up to the outside of the Consortium lair.
They turn, run, and hide behind a blue Ford Taurus. Cancerman appears at the
door, stares at the alien, looks around, seems to cautiously sniff the air,
then quickly pulls the alien inside]

Scully: "OK Frohike, this was your idea, what happens now?"

[Frohike gleefully rubs hands together]

Frohike: "When it gets dark we all jump out of the alien and take over the
Consortium"

[Scully, turns to Mulder and rolls her eyes in exasperation]

Scully: "Oh, brother."

[Langley stares at Frohike]

Langley: "Good one, huevos rancheros for brains"

[Frohike just then realizes that they're looking at him with murderous
intent]

Frohike: Was it something I said?

[Just then we see a large wooden Reticulan hurtling towards our heroes]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene Four:

[Mulder and Scully are in their old basement office looking at the slide of
a bloody neck]

Mulder: "Scully, what do you think these are?"

Scully: "Well, they look like exsanguination holes, which I suppose you will
tell me were made by vampires."

Mulder: "No, Scully, these are the result of killer bunnies."

Scully: "Killer bunnies? Is that the scientific term for them? Mulder! That
has got to be the strangest theory you have ever come up with, and that's
saying a lot."

Mulder: "Scully, you don't understand, they are the most foul, cruel,
and bad-tempered rodents you'll ever see. They have huge, sharp fangs
that can...."

[Mulder trails off uncomfortably, seeing that Scully is at her most
skeptical.]

Scully: "Besides, how do you know that it was 'killer bunnies' that made
these puncture wounds?"

Mulder: "Let me show you."

[Mulder switches from conversational-monotone to slide-show-monotone.]

Mulder: "When thou countest two puncture holes, no more and no less, then by
the mouth of a vampire shall the holes have been made, for two is the number
reached and the number of the counting is two. If the holes are by the mouth
of a vampire made then thou hast *not* discovered a killer bunny, for
vampires have Texan drawls and fuzzy tails they have not. When fuzzy tails
thou hast not then thou doesn't have killer bunnies. When thou countest the
number four, then thou hast reached a number that is not made by the mouth
of a killer bunny, for thou hast counted to the number of the counting that
is four. When the number thou hast reached is four then by the mouth of a
chupacabra is the number four made. Although bearing fur like the killer
bunny, a killer bunny a chupacabra is not, for a chupacabra is a hoofed and
horny beast whilst killer bunnies appear likest slippers with paws and long
floppy ears. When the number of the counting is three and does not reach the
number four, yet reaches the number two, for the number two is needed to
count to the number three then thou hast a killer bunny, for by the mouth of
killer bunny is the number three made."

* Then suddenly, as can happen in Monty Python, the scene changes
inexplicably. We are now in the office of Chris "Plot Hole" Carter at
1013 productions. He is working feverishly on latest X-File homage to
"Gone With The Wind," "Clockwork Orange," and "Ernest Goes to Jail."
Suddenly the whole room begins to shake. Disturbed by the rattling of
the walls, Carter walks out of his office and begins to descend the
stairs, muttering to himself the entire way

*............................................................*

There are a lot of stairs.

*............................................................*

Yep he's still descending.

*......................................?????????????!!!!!!!!!*

He's just remembered that this building has an elevator.

* Carter steps outside 1013 productions to find a huge Beaker pounding
heavily on her computer keyboard. For whatever reason, CC fails to find the
sight of a fifty-foot grad student typing odd. *

Carter: "Stop that! Stop that! You there, go away! Clear off! For the
love of Mike, stop making that noise!"

* Duly chastened, Beaker reluctantly returns to her homework *

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene Five:

[Mulder and Scully, in their imaginary Ford Taurus, stumble upon Krycek,
looking incredibly sexy in his black jeans and leather jacket. Mulder,
coincidentally looking mighty fine in his black jeans and leather jacket,
glares at Krycek]

Mulder: "Krycek, you rat faced bastard, you killed my father."

[Mulder pulls his gun, but as sometimes happens with Mulder, he drops
it. Krycek sees his chance and lunges at Mulder. They wrestle for a few
minutes until Krycek's prosthetic arm falls off. Mulder shrugs his shoulders
and starts to walk off.]

Krycek: "Hey, where you going? Come back and fight!"

Mulder: "You can't fight. Your arm fell off."

Krycek: "No it didn't."

Mulder: "Yes it did. It's laying right there."

[Krycek stares at the arm for long moment]

Krycek: "Oh, you mean this arm?"

[Krycek picks up the arm and attempts to hit Mulder over the head with it.
Mulder ducks and spots a sword conveniently lying in the street. He picks it
up, swings blindly and cuts off Krycek's other arm. Mulder nods in
satisfaction and turns to Scully]

Mulder: "So Scully, did this display of male aggression turn you on?"

[Just then Krycek runs up and kicks Mulder's well proportioned butt.]

Krycek: "Giving up Mulder?"

Mulder: "Krycek, the fight is over. You're seriously wounded!"

[Krycek glances down at his stumps, still pumping out copious amounts
of blood, and shrugs as well as an armless man can shrug]

Krycek: "Just a scratch."

Mulder: "A scratch?! You can't fight without arms!"

[Krycek kicks Mulder again]

Krycek: "So, you're admitting defeat. Always figured you were a
quitter."

[Mulder, tiring of this conversation, swings the sword once more and
cuts off both of Krycek's legs.]

Mulder: OK Scully, we better get going.

[Mulder and Scully walk off]

Krycek: That's right, run away you lily livered coward. If I catch you back
here again or I'll bite your kneecaps off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Scene That Comes After Scene Five:

[Chris Carter is pushing cart]

CC: "Bring out your dead... Bring out your dead... Bring out your
dead..."

[Already on the cart are Deep Throat, X, William Mulder, Melissa Scully, and
William Scully Sr. They all appear to be dead, yet paradoxically look spry
enough that should a flashback, near death experience, or shape shifting
moment require it, they can make a guest star appearance]

[Mulder appears carrying Cancerman draped over one shoulder]

Mulder: "Hey, body guy! I got one for ya."

CC: "Put him on the cart"

Cancerman: "Wait! I'm not dead!"

CC: "Did he just say something?"

Mulder: "Uh, no he didn't, he's dead. See?"

Cancerman: "I'm not dead."

CC: "This man isn't dead"

Mulder: "Uh, yeah he is. See how pasty faced he is? Clear sign that he's
dead."

Cancerman: "I'm always pasty faced. I'm not dead!!!"

CC: "I can't take him, he's not dead."

Mulder: "Well, could you wait a few minutes. He's due to die any moment
now."

CSM: "I'm feeling better."

[CC considers the situation for a moment, hits Cancerman on the head,
and places him on the cart]

CC: "Don't worry, nobody really dies on the X-files"

*OK, you're probably curious as to how Mulder managed to kidnap CSM.
Beaker is wondering the same thing, and as soon as she figures it out
she'll let you know*
---------------------------------------------------------

end 1/2

Part 2/2
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene Seven

[Lone Gunmen, wearing monk robes, walk single file. Frohike is wearing a
fuzzy vest and fingerless gloves under his robe. They are all carrying
computer keyboards and speak simultaneously in a Gregorian monk chant
monotone*

LGM: "Anti-counterfeit strips in money used by the government to track
our
movements"

[They hit their foreheads with the keyboards]

LGM: "Saddam Hussein testing mandroid army in the Iraqi desert"

[Whap!!!]

LGM: "Aurora is a hypersonic reconnaissance aircraft fueled with slush
hydrogen and methophyscohexane"

[Thunk!!!!!]

LGM: "Our kung-fu is the best"

[Thwack!!!]

*Beaker hears a knock at the door*

Beaker: "What the...? It's 3 am, who the hell can that be?"

*Beaker opens door to find Chris "Surf Weasel" Carter and an army of
lawyers at her door. Oddly, all the lawyers are dressed in black and
wearing sunglasses. Beaker turns to the lawyer with graying hair and a
mustache*

Beaker: "Aren't you...?"

CC: "Ms. Brown...."

Beaker: "Name's Beaker, you punk ass!"

CC: "Sure, fine, whatever. Ms. Beaker we're here to inform you that
because of your copyright infringement of The X-Files (tm) and
mutilation of a cinematic classic, we feel we have no alternative but
to take action against you. However, you will be returned in three
months time, but won't remember a thing. We advise that after your
return you avoid metal detectors. You also might feel strange urges
to hang out with other UFO wackos, especially on bridges. Oh, and garage
door openers may make you wig out."
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene Eight (but who's counting?)

[For reasons only he understands, Mulder has ditched Scully; and as
usual, without Scully around for protection, he has gotten the crap beat
out
of him. Now our brooding hero, tired and extremely sore, limps towards a
rundown motel. Stumbling into his room he is surprised to find it is
already
occupied. Diana Fowley is there, as is Bambi, Marita, and Detective
White.
Even the pouty nurse from Kill Switch is present. All the women gush
over
him]

"Oh you poor man, let us help you"

"Here, those clothes must be uncomfortable, let us take them off"

Et cetera, ad nauseum.

Mulder: "No that's alright. I just need some food and a place to sleep."

"Oh we have a BIG bed"

"Yes, and plenty of oysters and strawberries"

Mulder: "I'm flattered ladies, but I'm an FBI agent on a very important
case
and I really can't do...uh...what it is that you want me to do."

[The ladies squeal with delight]

"Oh, an FBI agent!"

"We've been BAAAAAAAD girls. I think we need to be arrested."

"Oh, I agree!"

[They all whip out handcuffs simultaneously, grab Mulder, and start
tearing off his clothes and dragging him towards the bed. Mulder
attempts to fight them off (it's a half-hearted attempt, but at least
he's trying). At that moment his knight in shiny armor (and three-inch
heels), Scully bursts through the door]

Scully: "Mulder, it's me. I'm here to rescue you."

Mulder: "Oh, I think I've got it handled here. Thanks anyway, Scully."

Scully: "Trust me, Mulder, you need to be rescued" [under her breath]
"as usual."

Mulder: "Oh, OK, Scully. Could you come back in about fifteen minutes
and rescue me then?"

Scully: "No. There is no time. You are in grave peril."

Mulder: "Trust me, I'm not afraid to face the peril."

Scully: "No, it's too perilous"

Mulder: "Can I face just a little bit of the peril? Just for practice?"

Scully: "NO! Now pull your pants up."

[The girls continue to fawn and gush over Mulder as Scully drags him
towards the door. Scully karate chops a few of the most stubbornly
clingy of the females. Then, Scully blows the hair out of her eyes
and turns to Mulder.]

Scully: "Let's go Mulder."

Mulder: "You realize of course, that even though I was half naked on a
bed
with a bunch of beautiful women that it wasn't what it looked like."

Scully: "Shut up Mulder."
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene Nine:

[Spender and CSM are standing in the X-Files basement office]

CSM: "Just think Son, someday all this will be yours."

Spender: "But what if I don't want it, Father?"

CSM: [Nearly chokes on his cigarette] "What do you mean, you don't want
it?
What else could you want?"

[Spender smiles dreamily and we hear the beginning strains of "Walking
in
Memphis." He starts dancing about in a manner strangely similar to the
Great
Mutato]

CSM: [Waves arms frantically] "No! Absolutely not! No Cher! Son, let me
tell
you a story. There were these men who told me that I should kill Mulder
because he couldn't be controlled. I said they were
wrong... OK, they were right. But the next time, they said I should just
kill Scully otherwise Mulder couldn't be controlled and I said they were
wrong... OK, they were right. However, after that they said
that I should kill Mulder AND Scully because he couldn't be controlled,
but
I said no, just burn his files and assign him to manure detail. This
time
son, Mulder is under control.  So you see, I have created a kingdom just
for
you. So quit your whining, marry Fowley, and take over my creation so I
can
retire and write Jack Colquitt novels."

[CSM turns to the Mighty Morphin Bounty Hunter who is standing near the
door.]

CSM: "Don't let him leave the room until I come and get him".

Alien Bounty Hunter: "Right, don't let him leave the room, even if you
come
to get him."

CSM: "No, I said until I come to get him."

ABH: "Right, until you come to get him, I am not to enter the room."

CSM: "No, you stay here and keep him from leaving the room."

ABH: "Until you come to get him."

CSM: "Right."

ABH: "I'm not to do anything except keep him from entering the room."

CSM: "Leaving the room."

ABH: "Right, leaving the room."

CSM: "So you've got it?"

ABH: "Got what?"

CSM: "Got the instructions I just gave you."

ABH: "No, did you write them down?"

CSM: "No, I just told you not to let him leave the room until I come
back."

ABH: "Oh yeah, I remember now."

CSM: "Good."

ABH: "Wait, can he leave the room when I leave?"

CSM: "No, you keep him in here."

ABH: "Oh, I'll keep him in here of course, but if he has to leave, can I
go
with him?"

CSM: "No, keep him here in here..."

ABH: "until you or anyone else..."

CSM: "not anyone else, just me..."

ABH: "get back."

CSM: "Right."

ABH: "Right, I'll stay here until you get back."

CSM: "And make sure he doesn't leave."

ABH: "Who?"

CSM: "Him!"

ABH: "Who? Spender?"

CSM: "Yes, Spender."

ABH: "Oh, OK. I thought you meant another 'him', which seemed silly
since there's no one else here."

[CSM starts to leave the office and ABH attempts to follow.]

CSM: "Where are you going."

ABH: "With you."

CSM: "No, you STAY here and guard him."

ABH: "That's right. I thought that made more sense than going with you
and
trying to guard him at the same time. I'll stay here then."

[CSM leaves. Spender seeing that he has gone, writes out a note and
attaches it to an arrow. He looks at ABH and has noticed that ABH has
morphed his fists in to hand puppets and is recreating his favorite
"Punch and Judy" moments, and isn't paying attention. Spender quickly
fires the arrow out the window (which isn't easy since he's in a
basement office.)]
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene Ten:

[An arrow strikes Agent Pendrell square in the chest]

Pendrell: "Message for you sir."

[Mulder reads the note. It says 'Help, my father is forcing me to
marry.' Mulder solemnly places his hand on Pendrell's head]

Mulder: "Poor Pendrell, I didn't even know your first name. But don't
worry good friend, I will save this poor woman and see to it that you
didn't die in vain."

Pendrell: "Actually sir, I'm not dead."

Mulder: "Alright, then I will see to it that you weren't mortally
wounded in vain."

Pendrell: "Um, no... I think I will recover."

Mulder: "I will rescue this woman so you weren't seriously wounded in
vain."

Pendrell: "Actually, I think it's just a flesh wound."

Mulder: "I will see to it that... Never mind."

[Mulder rushes off, fervently hoping that the woman has red hair.]

*Author's note: Beaker is ashamed and dismayed at this most grievous
continuity error. Everyone knows that Pendrell, in a moment of
tremendous bravery, accidentally threw himself in front of a bullet
meant for Scully. Hence, his inclusion in this story is a major faux
pas. Those responsible for canning cousin Earl earlier have just been
canned. Don't worry, these type of mistakes won't happen again.*
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene Eleven:

[Mulder runs frantically through the Hoover building. He ducks in and
out of rooms searching for the poor woman in need of assistance. Mulder
opens a door and runs into a room interrupting the Consortium during
their
biweekly "Countdown to Invasion" meeting. Mulder sees that there are no
women in distress and leaves the room. A few moments later, he returns
and
points his gun at the Cigarette Smoking Man.]

Mulder: "You black-lunged son of a bitch."

[Mulder fires the gun and runs back out of the room. Well-Manicured Man
turns to the secretary.]

WMM: "Will you please note in the meeting minutes that Cancerman was
gunned down at 3:07 PM?"

CSM: "Mulder's pathetic attempt to kill me failed."

WMM: "Alright, please record in the minutes that Smokey was mortally
wounded."

CSM: "No, I think I will sufficiently recover."

[WMM nods at a henchman standing near the door and turns back to the
secretary.]

WMM: "OK, note in the minutes that just as it seemed our friend the
Cigarette Smoking Man was about to make a miraculous recovery [sound of
a
gunshot] sadly, he died."

*Author's note: Beaker is horribly embarrassed that, once again, a dead
character has made an appearance in her story. She wishes it to be known
that those responsible for canning those who canned Cousin Earl have
just
been canned. They have been replaced by specially trained llamas at no
small
expense. There shall be no further continuity errors.*
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene Twelve:

[Mulder runs into the basement office.]

Mulder: "Scully? Are you here?"

Spender: "You got my note. I knew someone would come to rescue me."

Mulder: "Well, I did get a note. Don't rush to the conclusion that it
was yours."

Spender: "I've constructed a rope out of paper clips. We can escape
through this window here."

[Scully walks into the office.]

Scully: "What are you doing in our old office, Mulder?"

Mulder: "I was looking for you and thought you might be down here."

[Spender has already climbed out the window. He pokes his head up over
the
windowsill.]

Spender: "Mulder, I'm ready to be rescued."

Scully: "If you wouldn't ditch me, you'd wouldn't have to waste time
trying to find me."

Mulder: "I didn't ditch you. I merely misplaced you."

Scully: "Misplaced?!" [Scully walks over to the desk and unhooks the
paper clip rope and tosses it out the window.] "You don't misplace human
beings, Mulder."

Mulder: "Anything is possible, Scully."

[They leave the room]

*Author's note: Having only limited experience with basement windows,
Beaker is unsure just how far Spender had to fall. She likes to think
that he fell for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time............thud. And there
was much rejoicing! Just for the hell of it, Beaker grabs Diana Fowley
and
tosses her out the window as well. And there was much, much rejoicing!*
---------------------------------------------------------
*To read the next scene you must know who Blaine Faulkner is. I'm sorry
those are the rules. Unless you can identify Blaine Faulkner you can't
read
any further. Well...OK fine, I'll tell you. He's the UFO nerd from Jose
Chung's FOS. OK, now you can read the scene.*
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene Thirteen:

[Mulder and Scully approach a figure sitting in a lawn chair by the side
of
the road, wearing a trenchcoat, floppy garden hat, and holding a
cardboard
sign.]

Mulder: "Excuse me miss, but..."

[An indignant turtle-like voice is heard from underneath the hat]

Floppy Hat Guy: "I'm not a girl, I'm a man."

[The individual looks up and Mulder and Scully see that it is, indeed, a
male.]

Mulder: "I'm sorry, but from behind you look like a woman"

FHG: "Doesn't matter, you didn't have to call me 'miss'"

Mulder: "Well, what was I supposed to call you?"

FHG: "You could have called me Blaine."

Mulder: "How could I call you Blaine if I didn't know your name?"

[Mulder notices that Blaine's sign says: 'Take me with you']

Mulder: "Hey, what's with the sign?"

Blaine: "I want to be abducted by aliens."

[Mulder's eyes light up]

Mulder: "Well Blaine, you're in luck because I'm Agent Mulder, dreamer,
alien seeker, Isaac Hayes fan; and this is my partner, Agent Scully,
scientist, skeptic, kung-fu expert and we..."

Scully: "Ahem...."

[Scully looks pointedly at Mulder. He knows she's attempting to do that
silent communication thing with him again, but other than receiving some
rather vivid images of his imminent demise, he's not sure what she's
trying
to say. Suddenly, he remembers.]

Mulder: "Oh yeah, she's not my sidekick, but an equal in OUR quest, the
person who completes me, and is the yin to my yang, or the yang to my
yin,
whichever."

[Mulder looks to Scully expectantly and she nods her approval. Mulder
sighs. Introducing each other is becoming more complicated with each
passing year. Mulder returns his attention to Blaine]

Mulder: "We are on a quest! A quest to find........................
[Mulder has stretched his arm dramatically towards the heavens and is
milking the moment for all it's worth] .........the TRUTH."

[Yet again we see image of "The Truth is Out There" in the sky and once
more
we hear a choir singing, although by now they're sounding hoarse.]

Blaine: "Oh, I know The Truth"

[Mulder's eyes widen.]

Mulder: "You know....................... [More dramatic posturing.
Scully sighs, taps her foot, and checks her watch.]

Scully: "The truth, Mulder! He said he knows the truth. I wish you would
just say it."

[Mulder sulks and somewhere a choir sighs in relief.]

Scully: "Tell us what you know, Blaine."

Blaine: "I know that you're agents sent here to prevent me from
revealing government secrets, like how the Middle East Peace Talks are
really annual poker games between Clinton, Arafat, and Netenyahu; or how
Martha Stewart is planning to conquer the planet with anthrax-laced
crepes
suzettes and paper mache nuclear warheads; and how Congress bribed the
Fox
network to cancel'Space: Above and Beyond.'"

[With each word Blaine becomes more agitated until he is shouting and
pointing an accusing finger at Mulder and Scully. Mulder grabs Blaine's
arm
in an attempt to quiet him down, but Blaine struggles.]

Blaine: "Help, Roswell, Roswell, I'm being suppressed!!!"

[At that moment a loud roar is heard and a giant, grayish alien with
long, hideous claws rushes towards them. Blaine, face enraptured,
trenchcoat billowing in the wind, raises his arms and shouts]

Blaine: "Take me, I'm yours!"

[The alien stares at him quizzically, brushes him aside, and makes a
beeline for Mulder and Scully.]

Mulder: "Scully......."

Scully: "Yeah?"

Mulder: "Run away! Run away!"

[Mulder and Scully sprint through the streets with the alien close
behind. Taking a wrong turn, they find themselves in an alley that
dead-ends, and can only huddle against the rear wall as the alien stalks
towards them.]

*Elsewhere................*

[A computer animator sits at his workstation feverishly pointing and
clicking. He laughs fiendishly and takes a bite of his reheated Peter
Piper Pan Pizza. Suddenly, he chokes on a chunk of pineapple and falls
over
dead.]

*Meanwhile, back in the alley...............*

[Mulder and Scully watch in amazement as the alien suddenly disappears.]

Scully: "What just happened?"

Mulder: "I don't know, Scully"

[Simultaneously, they realize that they are standing in the other's
personal space. Her eyes drop to his full bottom lip. His eyes drop to
her
pouty, bee-stung lips. Their heads move closer and closer.........]

*Elsewhere...............*

[Beaker, typing and sighing romantically, is surprised when Chris
"What's Continuity?" Carter and his lawyers in black (LiB) burst into
her room. She struggles as the LiBs grab and drag her from her computer.
Off
camera, a struggle is heard. Beaker runs back into view and types as
fast as
she can, but is picked up before she can finish. As she is carried from
the
room she shouts]

Beaker: "You can't keep them apart! It's meant to be! True love will
prevail!"

*Meanwhile back in the alley.............*

[Mulder and Scully are reading the script]

Mulder: "What do you think 'and they kkkkkkkkkkkkkk' means?"

Scully: "Maybe it's 'and they kkkkkkkkkkkkkkill each other'."

Mulder: "No, haven't we already attempted that this season? Maybe it's
'and
they kkkkkkkkkkkkkkayak'. Ever gone kayaking, Scully?"

*Not much happens beyond this point, so feel free to stop reading*
---------------------------------------------------------

This story was brought to you by the letter 'k'.

This was a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real individuals living,
dead, or living undead was purely coincidental. Except where the
resemblances weren't coincidental, in which case, the resemblance was
intentional. No llamas or moose were injured or killed in the course of
making this fanfic. Which reminds me, why is the plural of moose "moose"
when the plural of goose is "geese". Shouldn't it be "meese"?

Remember:  Feedback, it's fun, it's easy, it's the law.

You're still reading?!  Story's over.  Run along now. Shoo! Go read some
angst or something.